Have you had moments of feeling overwhelmed? Moments when you had so much to do, so much to accomplish that you just felt like crying, but even the tears wouldn't flow because there wasn't time for it?

That's where I"m at today. I'm feeling sad, overwhelmed, and a little sick to my stomach from all that's sitting and waiting to be finished.
I know from all the pain I'm coping with, that the most basic of chores won't get done today, much less an outing with a friend. It's taken me an hour just to go to the bathroom, washup, make a pot of coffee and start a load of wash.

I guess I could give thanks to the lady that gave me the washing machine! There was days I didn't money to go to the laundromat, and washed stuff by hand. I'm not talking about when I was 29 and pregnant, I"m talking about this past year, and I'm now 59...approaching the big "60" the 60th birthday is on the horizon...

I remember in 7th grade thinking I'd never live to see the year 2000, we talked about the year 2000 in Science class.
I also remember thinking and mostly worrying, as I approached 52, that I'd not live past the age of 52, that's how old mom was when she died. I was very surprised when I read that my older sister had the same fear or thoughts about that!

I don't know if it's getting older that makes me wonder if I'm loved and cared about or if it's just the clinical depression that does that...?? I have a friend with schizophrenia, and I know, from what she's told me, a little of what it's like to be in her shoes...just a little though...
I've read about a person with bi-polar, however don't truly know this person so I can't say I understand what it's like for him. I did know a person, a professiona, that was coping with manic-depression, and life was such a roller-coaster for her in terms of mood and feelings. My ex-husband's girl friend has manic depression and it's quite hard on their family. Of course he takes advantage of her down moods....

Well I"ve done housework all morning right up til noon and now have brownies in the over, a clean kitchen, 2 loads of wash done, and feel some what over the sadness that overwhelmed me, however am dealing with anger towards my son.
It's not easy having a special needs adult son living at home, I've tried for the last six years, since he came home, to be his advocate, a mentor, support him with his issues and try to get him back into his former status in the community. However it's not working and I can't do anymore and have told him I'm getting my own place and he has gone through the stages of grief over it.
He has a chance to get help from the people and organization that is helping me, and if he tosses that away, then he'll be still sitting here when I leave, subjecting himself to being evicted by the law. Maybe that's what he needs to have happen to him.

On a different note, I made chili a few days ago and it turned out soooooooo good I couldn't believe it. It's been good before, however never this thick, or tasty. Hope the brownies that I got in the oven are that good.

As I downsize, clean, pack and anguish over what to keep and what to donate, I feel a lightness in my step and mostly in my mood. Some days are just no fun with a person around who is resentful of my choosing to change my life and plans...
And so it goes...I don't love him any less, I just need, in this autumn of my life, a chance for me to live the remainder of my years just for me. I don't think I'm being selfish, just living my own life. At this age, I feel I"ve earned it.










fleaface