Have you had moments of feeling overwhelmed? Moments when you had so much to do, so much to accomplish that you just felt like crying, but even the tears wouldn't flow because there wasn't time for it?

That's where I"m at today. I'm feeling sad, overwhelmed, and a little sick to my stomach from all that's sitting and waiting to be finished.
I know from all the pain I'm coping with, that the most basic of chores won't get done today, much less an outing with a friend. It's taken me an hour just to go to the bathroom, washup, make a pot of coffee and start a load of wash.

I guess I could give thanks to the lady that gave me the washing machine! There was days I didn't money to go to the laundromat, and washed stuff by hand. I'm not talking about when I was 29 and pregnant, I"m talking about this past year, and I'm now 59...approaching the big "60" the 60th birthday is on the horizon...

I remember in 7th grade thinking I'd never live to see the year 2000, we talked about the year 2000 in Science class.
I also remember thinking and mostly worrying, as I approached 52, that I'd not live past the age of 52, that's how old mom was when she died. I was very surprised when I read that my older sister had the same fear or thoughts about that!

I don't know if it's getting older that makes me wonder if I'm loved and cared about or if it's just the clinical depression that does that...?? I have a friend with schizophrenia, and I know, from what she's told me, a little of what it's like to be in her shoes...just a little though...
I've read about a person with bi-polar, however don't truly know this person so I can't say I understand what it's like for him. I did know a person, a professiona, that was coping with manic-depression, and life was such a roller-coaster for her in terms of mood and feelings. My ex-husband's girl friend has manic depression and it's quite hard on their family. Of course he takes advantage of her down moods....

Well I"ve done housework all morning right up til noon and now have brownies in the over, a clean kitchen, 2 loads of wash done, and feel some what over the sadness that overwhelmed me, however am dealing with anger towards my son.
It's not easy having a special needs adult son living at home, I've tried for the last six years, since he came home, to be his advocate, a mentor, support him with his issues and try to get him back into his former status in the community. However it's not working and I can't do anymore and have told him I'm getting my own place and he has gone through the stages of grief over it.
He has a chance to get help from the people and organization that is helping me, and if he tosses that away, then he'll be still sitting here when I leave, subjecting himself to being evicted by the law. Maybe that's what he needs to have happen to him.

On a different note, I made chili a few days ago and it turned out soooooooo good I couldn't believe it. It's been good before, however never this thick, or tasty. Hope the brownies that I got in the oven are that good.

As I downsize, clean, pack and anguish over what to keep and what to donate, I feel a lightness in my step and mostly in my mood. Some days are just no fun with a person around who is resentful of my choosing to change my life and plans...
And so it goes...I don't love him any less, I just need, in this autumn of my life, a chance for me to live the remainder of my years just for me. I don't think I'm being selfish, just living my own life. At this age, I feel I"ve earned it.










fleaface

Happy Birthday Dad.
Today is the day my dad was born. A quiet, gentle man. Hard working, smart, willing to listen, on one or two occasions given to saying biting remarks which I later learned came out of his own hurt or his own feelings of being betrayed.

When I remember him I have images of him in my mind's eye, of him at work at his drill press, seeing him through an open door when he was helping the landlord make anchors for boats, seeing the molds being filled with hot molten metal, seeing him at the saw chopping up wood for the wood pile.

When I remember him I see him walking up that long steep driveway from the foundry, in the evenings, tired, sweaty, the look of exhaustion on his face. He'd sit outside with the landlord and the landlord's wife, pouring down bottles of grape crush, or orange crush, and trying to cool off, his tee-shirt sweat soaked, his bib overalls dirty from the work, yet he was able to smile at me.

I remember him watching westerns on tv, especially Gunsmoke and "Have Gun Will Travel". It seems to me that was about his only enjoyment in life, other than fishing in the summertime when we'd go up north to visit his mom, who lived in a little shack, or ice fishing in the winter.

He had 3 brothers, one of whom he spent time with just walking through the potato patch in our side yard. It makes me smile inside when I rmember how serious they looked, walking through that patch....I wonder now what all they discussed as they looked at those potatoes.

Dad would go hunting for deer with his brothers most every winter. Sometimes one of dad's sisters would go also. I don't know if the one sister, I've seen on photographs, actually hunted or just stayed behind and cooked for her brothers and there's only one or two people that might know and I don't have contact with them.
I remember hunting season as it happened at Thanksgiving and it seems like dad was gone every Thanksgiving.

All I have to go on for how dad felt about people is to use my "adult eyes" to "see" the things that took place years ago and try to interpet what he felt. I can "see" how he got on with his one brother, how they walked and talked together. Another brother would come to visit and dad's posture would change. It would seem to me to be defensive and "wanting to get away" from this brother. Another brother he had, well for me the jury is still out on that.

He also had sisters, 3 of them, one is still alive to the best of my knowledge.
Dad would talk about his relatives sometimes. One of them was an aunt and I couldn't ever remember having met her.

Anyway, it's dad's birthday and he's missed, oh so much. Some of the other memories I have that are wonderful I think I want to keep to myself and just hug close to me today, cause I can't hug him...








fleaface